


Pretend

by lokiloo



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Humanstuck, M/M, Masturbation, Other, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-15
Updated: 2012-01-15
Packaged: 2017-10-29 14:46:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/321006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokiloo/pseuds/lokiloo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Tavros Nitram; you are a crippled college virgin who has never had a spine. And you are in love with a best friend who will never love you back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pretend

When you do it, you feel the sharp spike of shame.

When you do it, you’re not without regret.

When you do it, you feel worthlessness- the self-pity and tired crying and hopeless, hopeless feelings drowning you like the alcohol you’ve never dared try.

It doesn’t make you feel any better. It doesn’t make his smiles seem less heart-bursting, less like love. It doesn’t make him yours- it doesn’t change anything.

{But you do it.}

 

You’re so tired.

You’re tired of the stares- of the double takes and the darting eyes and whispers that are never soft enough. Of the questions and assumptions and general curiosity pouring off these people who you see. As if they can’t not look; as if like you’re some side-act in a freak show. {You feel like you are.}

You’re tired of the pity. Of the girls in your classes who always need to fret, who don’t understand that grabbing your chair and pushing is not ok, it is not ok. Of the Professor’s and their condescending platitudes; like you’re some child they need to contend with, like you’re not head of the class, like you’re not their to learn and grow and succeed. {Like you’re a charity case.}

You’re tired of going home alone. You’re tired of people looking at your chair, at your legs, and not you. Of never being asked out. Of never having the spine to ask someone out. You’re tired of parties and being social, and you’re so, so tired of crowds, because you’ll never fit into them. {If you ever did.}

That’s why you love him.

 

He’s never asked about your legs. He’s never treated your chair like a distraction, or a handicap. He’s never treated you like a handicap.

When you talk, he actually listens. When you hurt, he really cares. He is the best thing to ever happen to your life. He is the best friend you’ve ever had, and you don’t know if your feelings make it better or worse.

{It is always worse.}

He’s happy, and beautiful, and perfect, and you have no idea what you could ever offer him. If he’d ever want you.

{You are certain he never would.}

 

So you do this.

After stripping out of your clothes, and securing your chair, you lie in your bed with the lights off.

And you do this.

 

You pretend that he’s just told you his feelings. That you’ve both realized that you’re in love- that you both want this more than anything. You can picture him smiling above you, eyes glassy but still so very, very clear.

You pretend he’s kissing you, and you touch your fingers to your lips.

You pretend he’s rubbing your chest, and you slide your too-small hands down.

You pretend he’s looking at you; goofy grin, soft eyes, whispering about ‘Miracles’.

{You pretend you don’t tear up.}

 

You wrap a hand around your self, just one, and stroke. You imagine it’s his hand- big and warm and callused. You imagine your other hand is his as well, slowly rubbing your hip, making you shiver.

When you touch your legs, the point were you lose all feelings, you don’t flinch. You just catch your breath, because in your mind you can see him bend down and kiss them. You can see him smile softly at you, all love, and imagine him whisper ‘you’re beautiful.’

{You pretend you don’t sob.}

You start to go faster, out of a desire for release and also, in your mind, you imagine him doing the same. That he’d take pleasure in your pleasure; that he’d want to watch you fall apart to the touch of his hands, his voice, his smile, and oh god that’s all you want, you just want him to be with you, to hold you and talk to you and smile and kiss you and laugh and touch and love and him, it’s just him, him, him-

You come with a soft cry, like someone punched you, and maybe that’s true, because the only thing you ever feel anymore are the punches to your heart. The heavy, dark pressure that sinks it to your stomach.

Because for all that you have- for every smile he gives you, every moment you share- he’s still with someone else. He still leaves, oblivious to the feelings you hold, and you’re still here. Alone, in a room meant for two, and you can’t even run after him, because even that’s gone from you. –But even if you had legs, you know you’d never dare. You’d never dare, because you are you. Your name is Tavros Nitram; you are a crippled college virgin who has never had a spine. And you are in love with a best friend who will never love you back.

 

{You cry.}


End file.
